Setting Limits

Setting limits calmly can be one of those tricky things for adults, especially in certain situations or when we've already had a trying day.  Here's a simple 3-step formula for setting limits that can be used in almost any situation.
1. Validate what your child is trying to communicate/how they feel.
    e.g. You really want to play with that train.  It's so hard to wait sometimes.
2. State the limit.
    e.g. We can't grab toys from our friends.
3. Offer an alternative.
    e.g. Let's ask if we can have a turn.  Encourage your child to ask for a turn, "Go ahead, ask Ben if      you can have a turn."  If Ben says no you can start the formula over again in a different way.
1. Validate the feeling.
    e.g. You're so sad Ben isn't ready to share yet.
2. State the limit.
    e.g. We can wait a little and ask Ben if she's ready to share then 
3. Offer an alternative.
    e.g. Or we can play with something else.  Which would you like to do?  (Offering a limited choice can be a good idea to help a child feel in control when they're feeling powerless.)

Words, phrases and tones to avoid:
Stop that! Don't grab! You know the rules!  Why'd you take his toy?  You know better! That's it! I've had enough of your behavior today! You'd better start learning to share! What's wrong with you?
These kinds of responses communicate to children that there is something wrong with them, that they are bad and lack the ability to self regulate.
Instead, we want to communicate positive messages to our children, helping them to learn about their feelings and the world around them and how to navigate that world so that they can be successful in it and feel good about themselves.