Validating Feelings

One of the challenges many parents face when communicating with their children is figuring out how to help their children feel heard and understood.  When communicating with kids, parents can easily fall into patterns of giving commands, asking questions, teaching or trying to fix things for their kids. However, an alternative means of communicating can include validating statements, which can produce more positive parent-child interactions and relationships.  Some benefits of using validating statements can include parents feeling more centered and calm, and children feeling more independent and self-regulated.  With a little bit of practice, validating statements can become second nature.  It's easiest to imagine of yourself as a narrator, making statements with an empathic tone to describe what's happening in a non-judgmental way that sums up what your child is trying to communicate.
Some examples of validating statements are:

• I can see you're really angry right now.  
• Your brother is really frustrating you, huh.
• You're having so much fun playing; you wish you could stay longer at Izzy's house.
• You were in the mood for pizza tonight, even though it's hamburger night.
• Yeah, I wish I could buy all these toys in the store too!  They all look so cool.
• I hear you, doing chores is no fun.
• Sounds like you're feeling really happy about that!
• Sure sounds like you had a rough day at school.

Often times children will then begin to open up and elaborate more on what's going on, how they're feeling or come up with their own solutions.  I invite you to give validating statements a try and see what kind of results they bring into your family and relationships.  (They also work great with adults).